Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
