It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
