I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
