how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
