Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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