So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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