Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
