that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize