apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
