I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
