dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
