im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
