If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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