i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
