Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
