Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
