I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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