I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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