When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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