I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
