y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
