she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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