i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
