The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize