Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
