I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
