one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
