if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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