i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize