R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
