Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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