dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
