I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
