if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
