Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize