If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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