Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize