i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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