Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize