considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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