I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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