My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
