I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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