So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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