No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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