WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
