cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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