Your dad touched me again.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
