Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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