are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
