then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
