I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
