i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
