Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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