Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
