She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
