I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
