First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
