sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
