Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
