So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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