my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
