I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
