Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
