So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
