Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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