Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
