Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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