so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
