New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize