booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
