watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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