96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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